"These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world." - John 16:33

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

My Goliath

Today was the day.  As I walked into the Autism Clinic with my little Sassy in tow, I knew we would be walking out with some kind of diagnosis.  We walked in and sat down.  Sassy immediately began to explore the new area she was to spend the next 3 hours and I sat at a table with 4 professionals (a child psychologist, a child psychiatrist, a Speech Therapist and a Behavioral Anaylist), and took a deep breath.  They began to ask me questions about her medical history and her behaviors.  As I began to answer, I could see a glimmer in my vision off in the distance.  "Oh no!" I thought, "Really? Why now?!" 

You see, I suffer from ocular migraines.  My migraines are triggered by stress, and they begin with me seeing silver stars in my vision, progress to complete loss of the right side of my field of vison and end with a searing pain deep within my skull that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  Thankfully there are some migraine medications out there that help and I quickly excused myself so I could take a pill.  I bumbled my way through the questions they asked and then it was time for them to start the ADOS test.  I tried my best to watch and comment while they performed the test. (Let me say, this is not an easy feat when you are partially blind!)  They then ushered Sassy and I into another room to relax and play and munch on snacks while they sat together to discuss what each of them saw during her evaluation.  We were told it would take approximately 10 minutes.

As Sassy jumped around the room with her snack I began to feel a pain behind my left eye and I knew the pain was on the horizon.  I looked at my watch.  It had been 15 minutes and still no sign that they were ready for us.  I gave in and I took a second pill (which I never do!).  I sat in the small kiddie chair and closed my eyes and prayed.  "God I know your will, not mine will be done.  Please just let me get through this!" 

I soon became a bit annoyed.  We had been waiting for 45 minutes now in a small room.  Sassy was beginning to tire, and so was I.  60 minutes into waiting I realized my head didn't hurt, the little wonder pill had kicked in, and then I was thankful for being in that room still.  It gave time for the pill to work, so I could have a clear head.  Suddenly the door opened and they were ready for us.

The Behaviorist played with Sassy while the rest of them spoke with me.  They told me they thought Sassy should have blood work done (genetic testing, thyroid levels, B12 level...all the same stuff Peanut had when he was diagnosed).  Then they talked about a concern they had.  You see, 2 days ago Sassy began to sniff.  I know that sounds funny, but it literally is a constant sniffle, but without the stuffy nose.  My husband and I checked and her nostrils were clear as a whistle.  Apparently, this could a sign of Tourettes.  They said it could be a tic or it could be a way for her to stim.  Either way, we were referred to a Neurologist.  Finally, they got to the part I had been waiting for.  They said Sassy was tough to evaluate.  She has some great language and it could be quite deceiving.  The Psychiatrist looked at me and said, "We checked in the DSM IV, and she fits the description of Aspergers.  Your daughter has Aspergers Syndrome."  I sighed.  My baby angel, my Sassy, my little love bug, has Autism too. 

It was official, I was now the mother of not one, but two children with Autism.  They talked with me about supports and services and were very supportive and open with opinions.  They encouraged me, promised follow-up and then it was time to go.  I didn't want to get up.  Once I walked out that door it was final.  I forced myself to get up and off we went.  My deja vu began when we began to make the phone calls.  Just as with Peanut, we had to make the calls to family and friends.  I sat back and remembered when Peanut was diagnosed.  I remembered the feeling of fear, dread and uncertainty.  I didn't have that this time.  I knew what to do, and I knew what I was facing.  Autism is my Goliath, and I know we can conquer it.

Sure I cried, of course!  Any mother would.  But this time, I was ready, and I knew what to do and who to call.  I got home and began my emails to therapists and programs.  Everything Peanut was doing we wanted to do for Sassy.  My son's progress is miraculous and I will have nothing less for Sassy.  I know there will be good days, and there will be bad ones.  I know some days I'll feel stronger than others, but through all of it I know God is with us.  Nothing is to hard for him.  Autism is no match for God.  All we need to do is pray and keep pushing through.  I know prayer makes the impossible, possible.  Thank-you to everyone who has left comments of support and love.  We love and appreciate you ALL.  I leave you with this:

 "But now this is what the Lord says: `Do not weep any longer, for I will reward you,` says the Lord.`Your children will come back to you from the distant land of the enemy.  There is hope for your future,` says the Lord. `Your children will come again to their own land.` "

Jeremiah 31:16-17 (New Living Translation)

Mommy Provost


  1. I loved this post...thank you for sharing this difficult day with all of us along with the truth that God is sovereign...praying for comfort and joy for you, friend.

  2. Thank you Katie. Our prayers are with your family as well. :-)